Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Empty arms

I had been waiting to write a blog with happy news but unfortunately that is no longer the case. Aaron and I had found out we were pregnant and very happy and thrilled a week ago. We decided that this was the last baby for us and would then be a complete family. Everything was going great and we were exciting to tell everyone. This past Friday I went to the Dr for a check up and they needed to do three pregnancy test because they were coming back so faint. They said it was mostly likely cause I was early or that the baby wasn't viable. I had told Aaron and we were sure everything was fine.

Saturday the girls and I ran around with Aaron and having a great day. We planned on stopping by my in-laws to share the good news but my mother-in-law wasn't home yet so we decided to tell them another time. I had to help Addison go to the bathroom since we had a long drive ahead of us. To keep it from being too graphic I knew I was losing the baby.I miscarried the baby that evening. That night we cried, were angry, hurt, and didn't understand.

Aaron still had hope until I went to the ER yesterday and the ultrasound found nothing and my HCG test was 0 (measures the humane hormone in your body when you are pregnant). I knew this and it was more conformation for me but it hit Aaron hard.

It has been a very hard past few days. Even though this was a surprise not one moment was this baby not wanted or loved. I feel selfish cause I want that baby with me. I don't' understand what lesson I should learn, I don't know why this happened, and my heart hurts more than it ever has before. I know that God had a reason and that we will one day see our angel baby but we were so attached from the very begining that I miss that baby so much. We have decided that we will have another but we are still grieving for the little one we will never hold, touch, smell the top of his head. Aaron found wild roses on the side of a road he was doing work at and got a small pink rose. He said he wanted to dry it and then make a small shadow box in memory for our little angel.

Please pray for healing, peace, understanding, and strength for Aaron and I. We will never forget our little one and I hope that he will always know that his parents loved him more than anything.

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