I know people say to 'always count your blessings' or 'other people have it worse' or 'worse things could happen.' I use to think of those things when upset or mad..but I believe now that everyone has their own issues and pain. Thier own hard times. I try to be cheerful, give second chances, forgive and forget. I can't find those things right now. I am dealing with some of my own demans. I wont go into exact things but they are enough things going on for me to no be me.
I have always been a girl that wanted to be popular, to be the pretty girl, to have a ton of friends, have a happy family, be a treasured wife...I need to accept that I am not or may not have those things. I have felt broken for a long time and though that I was doing well but only was covering a gun shoot with a band aid.
I ignore the wound and the wound keeps growing. Some may call me a push over, stupid, delusional....I am sad, lost, heart broken, hurt, let down, angry, insecure, walked on, embaressed, tortured(mentally/emtionally), pothetic and more. Everyone has theier 'skelatons in the closet' or 'secrets behind closed doors'. I am like a freaking lifetime movie my mom use to hate me watching when I was younger. In school I was made fun of, never had many friends, lied to have friends, low self-esteem, knocked up at 17, and then married at 18, divorced at 22, re-married at 24, and 4 children at 25.
I will be 26 years old in two days and even though I have four beautiful daughters all I have done is be married, divorced, re-married, collect debt, and college drop out. Some would say I am a strong beautiful woman and can do anything but it is hard to believe that from people when you dont believe that yourself. I feel that I was on my way to becoming an alcholic before I was pregnant with my 4th baby. I hate how I look, I have many things from my past I hate, and ashamed for things I have done.
I sit here in and out of tears..maybe its that time of the month, maybe I am having a breakdown, maybe I am being dramatic..whatever it is, it is just going deeper and deeper. I write this because I feel better when I write.
It has been proven to be time after time by certain people that I am not worth much, that I dont serve a purpose, and that I am not what I thought I was. I hate feeling this way. I dont like being sad which is why I ignore certain things. I have a dream image of myself and I dont think I will ever reach that image. I will not have the life that I have dreamed of. May thats because its a dream.
I pray..God knows I pray everyday. For Him to show me the right path, how to raise my children, how to love my husband, how to be more like Him, to lift my pain, to bring me peace, and I try to listen for Him. Listen for Him to talk to me. I can't hear Him. I dont know what to do. I think I am what they call a 'tortured soul'. I have not lost my faith in God by faith in myself.
I wish I had listen to my family on many things and my mom and sister know what they are. I wish I was a better mother on certain things, I wish I was more of the wife my husband wants. I wish and pray for so many things from going to church mroe without finding an excuse not to go, to be closer to God, to be skinner(i know that is petty but thats me), I wish I felt accepted, I wish I didnt care what others thought, I wish I was a stronger woman, I wish I knew my purpose.
I am in a dark place, I feel I have only a nightlight but the electricty is going to be shut off so I will not have that...
Maybe tomorrow will be better...maybe it will be worse. All I can do is wake up in the morning and get up to see what the day will be like.