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I know people say to 'always count your blessings' or 'other people have it worse' or 'worse things could happen.' I use to think of those things when upset or mad..but I believe now that everyone has their own issues and pain. Thier own hard times. I try to be cheerful, give second chances, forgive and forget. I can't find those things right now. I am dealing with some of my own demans. I wont go into exact things but they are enough things going on for me to no be me.

I have always been a girl that wanted to be popular, to be the pretty girl, to have a ton of friends, have a happy family, be a treasured wife...I need to accept that I am not or may not have those things. I have felt broken for a long time and though that I was doing well but only was covering a gun shoot with a band aid.

I ignore the wound and the wound keeps growing. Some may call me a push over, stupid, delusional....I am sad, lost, heart broken, hurt, let down, angry, insecure, walked on, embaressed, tortured(mentally/emtionally), pothetic and more. Everyone has theier 'skelatons in the closet' or 'secrets behind closed doors'. I am like a freaking lifetime movie my mom use to hate me watching when I was younger. In school I was made fun of, never had many friends, lied to have friends, low self-esteem, knocked up at 17, and then married at 18, divorced at 22, re-married at 24, and 4 children at 25.

I will be 26 years old in two days and even though I have four beautiful daughters all I have done is be married, divorced, re-married, collect debt, and college drop out. Some would say I am a strong beautiful woman and can do anything but it is hard to believe that from people when you dont believe that yourself. I feel that I was on my way to becoming an alcholic before I was pregnant with my 4th baby. I hate how I look, I have many things from my past I hate, and ashamed for things I have done.

I sit here in and out of tears..maybe its that time of the month, maybe I am having a breakdown, maybe I am being dramatic..whatever it is, it is just going deeper and deeper. I write this because I feel better when I write.

It has been proven to be time after time by certain people that I am not worth much, that I dont serve a purpose, and that I am not what I thought I was. I hate feeling this way. I dont like being sad which is why I ignore certain things. I have a dream image of myself and I dont think I will ever reach that image. I will not have the life that I have dreamed of. May thats because its a dream.

I pray..God knows I pray everyday. For Him to show me the right path, how to raise my children, how to love my husband, how to be more like Him, to lift my pain, to bring me peace, and I try to listen for Him. Listen for Him to talk to me. I can't hear Him. I dont know what to do. I think I am what they call a 'tortured soul'. I have not lost my faith in God by faith in myself.

I wish I had listen to my family on many things and my mom and sister know what they are. I wish I was a better mother on certain things, I wish I was more of the wife my husband wants. I wish and pray for so many things from going to church mroe without finding an excuse not to go, to be closer to God, to be skinner(i know that is petty but thats me), I wish I felt accepted, I wish I didnt care what others thought, I wish I was a stronger woman, I wish I knew my purpose.

I am in a dark place, I feel I have only a nightlight but the electricty is going to be shut off so I will not have that...

Maybe tomorrow will be better...maybe it will be worse. All I can do is wake up in the morning and get up to see what the day will be like.

Happy 23rd Birthday Aaron!

Pretty in Pink

Please pray for this little boy

This little boy is one just got sick over the weekend. This is a mom from one of my friend's blog. Please pray for him to get well. Here is a link to the mom's blog. She gives update blogs and tweeters
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Cute Pictures

St. Patty's Day

Thought this looked cute with comparing feet

Too early for pictures I guess lol

Wide Eyes

She's always so drowly lol

CRAWLING!!

Im a sellout lol

LOL I joined twitter:

http://twitter.com/pinkmiller83

Arizona Department of Corrections

Aaron has been presented with a wonderful opportunity. Our friend Magnum his father works at the Florence prison her in Arizona. He is helping Aaron get into COTA (Correctional Officer Training Academy) to become a correctional officer in Florence. He will be getting paid during the academy which we have read is 9 weeks long in Tucson, AZ which is two hours away from our home.

It is great income and steady long term career. Please, please pray that everything goes smoothly. Magnum's dad is rushing everything for Aaron so he can get in asap. The most we have to wait is a month to a month and a half. In the mean time Aaron is looking for any work to pay our bills right now.

It will be the first time Aaron has been away from our family longer than a day but it is worth it for him to be doing something that he will succeed at.

I am very proud of Aaron and I know he will do well.

Feeding the ducks

We went to the pond in our new community where there are some ducks and feed them some bread. Addi enjoyed it and Sydnee liked sitting in the stroller waiting everything around her. Im trying to get the girls outside more because not just for them being pasty but also it will get so hot soon they won't be able to go out:( Here are a few pictures below.

Addi and I started the letter A today with the help of daddy. We then played with some play-doe and then played outside and had a snack on the patio table. Now she is watching 'Kung-foo Panda' and soon it will be luch time. Wow this morning has flown by.

Aaron has been calling over 20 different job oppertunties this morning and has gotten a few job interviews. Pray that something works out.

Don't have quiet the case of the Mondays but I am trying to get into the groove of things to have a schedule and routine.

Sundays: Church and Laundry, clip coupons
Mondays: School
Tuesdays: School, walk outside
Wednesdays: School, clean house
Thursdays: School
Fridays: School
Saturdays: clean house, errons
We will see how that works out lol

School is in Session

Its back to learning and growing the mind of my little one. Now that we have had the baby and moved we can now get into a routine that will make things easier for Addi. I have all my material and worksheets and crafts that I think she is really going to like. My goal is to have her spelling her name my this summer! Good goal I think. I like doing those things with Addi and seeing her progress. Im sure there will be pictures and more to come :)

Prayer Request:

Unfortunatly Aaron still hasn't been able to find a job and we are really needing prayers for him to find a job that will pay the bills. Please send your thoughts and prayers to him.

Welcome Home

Thirteen gallons of paint, ten rolls of tape, three days of painting, and one week of moving in we are offically home! We are so excited and exhausted at the same time. The girls love their rooms and we all love the great space we have. Last night Aaron and I sat outside and looked up at the milky way pointing out different stars and planets.

For us this is a great blessing and we are thanking God everyday. We still have boxes to unpack and the tv and internet guys are coming today. Thanks to Crystal and Tammy for all thier help with painting, taping, and watching the girls. Thanks to Magnum and McKenzie for moving the rest of our furniture from Gilbert to Maricopa. Thanks to my wonderful husband for driving multiple trips back and forth with things from the house. Thanks again guys.

Below are pictures of the house painted and decorated: