Hard to Say...**Long Post**

This next topic is going to be me stepping out of the norm. I have written before about Aaron and our journey to receive VA benefits. Aaron finally received his rating and received 100% High-Risk PTSD, almost full hearing lost, back injury, panic/anxiety attacks and possible TBI. We finally started to receive his monthly checks and are now in the process to receive SSI/SSDI. Aaron was also able to quit his night job and start focusing on himself.

I was blessed with Aaron being able to hold on for so long with work to help support the family. It took 2 years from start to paycheck. We almost gave up and almost didn’t survive together, but we did. Aaron has been getting worst with his PTSD and his weekly therapist at the VA isn’t working. He feels pissed off/lost/weak/mad/ashamed all the time.

I work full time however I did get FMLA 10 days a month so I can be home when I can. I like my job but I am applying for the Caregiver Program so I can then stay home 24/7. This is where I feel my heart belongs and I want to do as much as I can to make that happen for me and my husband. Aaron is having a harder time being alone or away from me, so I think its time to make that change.

Aaron and I met while he was station at Fort Lewis, Wa. We meet and within 3 weeks I was moving from Washington to Texas after a tough divorce (another topic another day). We said our goodbyes and somehow knew it wouldn't be. Well, that part is true but we didn't expect how long it would be until we saw each other again. I moved Feb 2006 and Aaron was deployed for Operation Iraqi  Freedom  June 2006.

SIXTEEN MONTHS!!!

 We decided through our long distance relationship that we would marry when he got back and move to AZ. We learned about each other and grew our love through phone calls and emails. A great chance to really get to know someone.

During Aaron’s deployment he was injured motile times on different occasions and suffered though some major trauma. Aaron return stateside and was discharged from the Army October 2007 and on October 27 we got married. We got pregnant right away (when I say right away I mean the following month in November I was pregnant lol) and everything seemed alright.

For the past 5 years Aaron has had a lot of difficulty holding a job, mood swings, some anger. Recently things have gotten a lot worst. I use to think he was just being mean but through a lot of research and talking with Aaron those bad days are PTSD days. Aaron has started anti-depressants and pain killers for his back but it doesn't seem to help a lot.

We were living in AZ where all of his family is and had to move to TX for a job I had been offered because we lost everything (financially) in AZ. We want to move back because his family is a wonderful support and there is more opportunity for Aaron to get in touch with OIF/OEF veterans.  We have been able to pick up the pieces and now are ready to move back.

We have 5 daughters (three oldest from my first marriage, two youngest together) and he loves them dearly. He loves to help take care of them, be hands on as much as possible, and I never fear a moment with him alone with them. I find that a big blessing. I am still learning how to approach the girls with what is wrong with Aaron. Their ages are 12,10,7,5,3 years old.Thank you for listening to my story. PTSD is a big part of my life but doesn't control it. I’m always looking for research, books, articles on military and PTSD and should be adding some posts on those topics. 

The reason I never talked about it before is I was concerned of being judged. I think that is a natural thought process. Aaron paid a big price for everyone's  freedom and he deserves every benefit/compensation out there. I'm not being greedy I'm protecting my husband and trying to help him not fear waking up in the morning.

I've come to the conclusion over the past few days that I will not keep this behind close doors. I'll share the good and bad days, rants, praises, and other things related to being a spouse of a veteran with PTSD.